I am so, so, so very tired, and I am only seven days into school.
I am sure this is just a “getting adjusted”-type phase and in a few weeks I’ll be more acclimated to the 5:45 a.m. mornings, hour meetings after school (only sporadically, thank goodness), the 90+ pre-teens I see every day, and the hour or more a night I put in planning. But right now, at this point, it is all I can do not to fall asleep on the drive home. Luckily, J and I just got a beautiful, comfortable, LARGE (this is key) king sized bed delivered yesterday and I had the best night’s sleep that I have had probably since May, which is in large part due to the fact that neither of our dogs woke up in the middle of the night for the first time ever. However, despite the great shut eye, I am still exhausted.
Honestly, it is September 3, and I am looking forward to October . . . November . . . December . . . May . . . and I must admit, I am not quite sure how I am going to do it. I know they say that the first year of teaching is the most difficult, but am I truly ready for it? I gotta admit, I can be lazy sometimes. I can procrastinate like the best of them. Yet despite (or maybe because of?) these flaws, I did extremely well in school and in college, without pulling all-nighters or getting TOO stressed out. And yet, now, as a teacher, I find that I can not do it, at all. I cannot procrastinate. When in college, the only person I was ever responsible for was myself. If I didn’t do the work, the only person it really affected was me. Now, if I don’t do the work, I have 90 12 year-olds staring me down, plus a team of teachers and administrators breathing down my neck. It is really intimidating, truly. I have always said that I work better under pressure, but . . . jeez. Can I really handle this kind of pressure?
The only thing that is keeping me going right now is my a) still kindling passion for teaching, b) the knowledge that every single new teacher has, is, or will be going through the exact thoughts and feelings that I am, and c) I know I am a good teacher (well, as good as you can be at this stage, anyway), and I can’t let my insecurities and the feelings of being in waaay over my head remove me from that knowledge. I had excellent training, I know my content extremely well, and, most of all, I love the students and what I do (well, most of the time). I just wish I had a Dr. Reeves or a Jan around to remind me of that these past two weeks. 😦
But, hey . . . tomorrow is a new day.